I'm so cheap

How cheap are you? I'm so cheap that one time the store was out of the cheap bread, so I brokedown and bought the good stuff. The kids both said "There's something wrong with this bread, it's soft!"

Who's my little crack baby?

Back in the late 1980's statements like this were very common "Theirs will be a life of certain suffering, of probable deviance and permanent inferiority." The former director of the National Center on Child Abuse called Crack Babies "a Bio-underclass".
Recently the terms "Meth Babies" and "Ice Babies" have come into vogue.
As usual, we, the public, jumped on the band-wagon. As in "If someone said it, it must be true!" Well as it turns out, it was all a giant load of Bull shit. Cocaine use by a pregnant woman does increase the chances of spontaneous miscarriage or low birth weight. But any later deficits were caused not by crack but by having Crack Heads for parents. Like malnutrition, lack of parental care and poverty. The 1985 study that started all of this was small and since then there have been many, more rigorous studies that dispute the Crack Baby myth.
A group of 96 physicians have circulated a statement proclaiming "The use of terms like "meth babies" and "crack babies" lacks scientific validity and should not be used.

Retirement, are we there yet?

I've been so fuckin busy lately! I feel like I'm about ready to retire, and I'm only in my mid forties. But really, wouldn't 50 be a good age for retirement? Now it's 65-70, they want you to work until you have to go to the nursing home, bastids. I'll fool everybody, when I hit 50 I'm gonna get alzhiemers real bad, you know forget to go to work and shit like that. Go out walking in my P.J.s (note to self-buy some Pajamas before age 50) long walks, like to neighboring towns. Go to the store for bread and show up two days later stinking of hookers and alcohol, no I think I did that last week. On the bright side, they don't send me to get bread anymore!

Bob enjoys a day off

Dear people of Iraq

What I wish I could tell the people of Iraq.
We are sorry for ever invading your country. Bush lied to us and took advantage of the emotion that our citizens felt after 9-11. Most people see invading your country as a huge mistake. Another huge mistake that we made was electing Bush as president.
I'm proud to say that I, like about half of the U.S. citizens, never voted for Bush.
The results of our upcoming election should be a sign to your people of our approval or disapproval of invading Iraq. I think that the Democrats will win and that should let the people of your country see that it is not the American people that are your enemy. It is Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and all the other politicians that want the U.S. to continue to tell Iraqis how to run Iraq.

Nine items or less

I hate it when I get to the checkout counter at the grocery store and the items kind of sum up my evening plans (of life plans for that matter). A can of chili, a twelve pack of beer and a package of toilet paper.

The Watch Dog on my wrist barked out it's warning, "It's 12:41! It's 12:41!".